The training was only an hour long, but it was the weirdest, most entertaining slash horrifying hour I've ever endured. The following situations really did occur (sorry for the language, just direct quotes):
+ The person instructing the training gave some philosophical quote about how our perceptions of other people are actually reflections of us. Or something like that. He then asked if people understood it, and a lady spoke up and said "Yeah, it's like if I hear a fart sound, and I think eww, you nasty. But really it was just a rubber shoe on the floor. But I think it's a fart and you're just disgusting. Also, why do we act like gas isn't a natural body habit? Why are we grossed out when people fart like it isn't something we all do? Because if you don't have gas you need to see a doctor!" ....around this point people tried to start reining her in.
It was a lot like this:
+ A girl reminded one guy in the training that he needed to sign in, and he responded with "I don't need a cop in my life, lady! That's why I got rid of my wife and married my cigarettes."
+ A lady yelled: "Look. Sometimes I just need to yell 'Oh shit!' at work. I know I'm not supposed to to say 'oh shit,' but when you say 'oh shit' all the time you say 'oh shit' at work even though you know you're not supposed to say 'oh shit.'"
+ A guy farted. Loudly. And giggled about it for ten minutes. Yes, this was a theme of the hour if you haven't noticed. I'll spare you the rest.So professional, I know.
+ A guy referred to the fiscal cliff as the "physical cliff." But, you know, words and finances and stuff are hard.
+ A discussion on personality clashes lead to a few people mentioning their coworkers, by name, and bashing them. In front of the HR lady, no less. It was a lot like this:
It made me want to do a lot of this:
So, yeah. I think it's about time the writing staff for The Office starts paying me for ideas.
It took me 10 mins to read this post because I was laughing SOOOO FREAKING HARD.
ReplyDeleteI can't even process what just happened.
Oh vey.
I didn't think this could get any funnier, but after reading it for the second time, it has. Why oh why can't you attach a camera to your head on a daily basis??
ReplyDeleteLOL - that is some pretty stellar training you guys have going on in your work place. Seriously though, who do you work with? I can't imagine anyone I work with talking about farts like that.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned that someone said "physical cliff" it made me roll my eyes because someone I work closely with says "PHYSICAL YEAR" all the time. Everyone else in the office says FISCAL YEAR. . .but she never catches on. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I CANNOT WITH THIS.
ReplyDeleteAs much of a horror show as your office seems to be at times, I find myself wishing that I could be there with you and experience all of this first-hand.
Literally dying. Nothing pleases me more than Michael Scott's antics and Jim Halpert's smirk. Other than you!!! :)
I was laughing out loud while I was reading this and my husband keeps giving me weird looks. I really wish I could visit for a day. Or have you just stream your office live on the internet.
ReplyDeleteSo what I am learning about you is that you grew up on the set of a Christmas movie and now you work in The Office.
hahahahah!! oh my gosh. The Toby quote kills me every time.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the need to pull a Jim face.
I have a 10 hour MSHA refresher coming up in February, I feel like the same situations could arise. Only instead of farts, it's pictures of completely naked men who were electricuted. And I'm the one who is immature about it. Because I can't be expected to mature when I can throw in the pun of roasted weinies. I'm not proud of it, but it happens.
Your work environment blows me away whenever I hear about it. On one hand it's never short of entertaining. While on the other hand I do not know how you deal with that day in and day out. I can see why you long for a different job.
ReplyDeleteI hope the new year is treating you well so far!
hahaha your work is too much. i love the Jim face, i hope you do that to an imaginary camera. it's necessary.
ReplyDeletei'm with alissa. please attach a GoPro to your head or something. i need to witness these work training first hand.
ReplyDeleteWell I had determined that I determined earlier this year that I have zero desire to go back to a corporate office but this might just make me away in the other direction. I would now like to see a post of you Jim faces.
ReplyDeleteOh my Lord, Michelle...I had to re-read this like 4 times because it just kept getting funnier every single time I read it. I can't believe your co-workers. I know you've said they're...well, "interesting" before, but holy crap. Farts!? Really!?
ReplyDeleteThat lady who likes to yell "oh shit" should work at my job. Our executive director...my boss...our IT manager...the assistant exec. director...all of them have been known to shout either that word, or the F word rather loudly. She'd fit in here.
On that note, I need to start writing down the things my coworkers say and turning them into blog posts instead of just Tweets. Especially my super annoying coworker. I might actually blog about him today...
This sounds like the dialogue from a very intoxicated office Christmas party. I can't believe people would actually say things like that at a work thing! It sounds like your coworkers have done issues with over sharing.
ReplyDeleteThat. Is. Amazing. I'm still not sure how your whole training turned into one huge fart joke AND commentary on everything that's wrong with society today, but I'm glad you went, so you could share it with us all.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I never share your blog with Ammon. I'm afraid he might assume that it is a commentary on the midwest as a whole, and never be willing to move there. That can not happen, under any circumstance.
Oh Grams. Oh dear lord. This is hysterical but also I want to remove you from those people so badly! But I also want to hear more! The physical cliff...
ReplyDeleteBut the good news is, FRIDAY! Two days of not talking about farts or hearing them. I'll try to hold back, for your sake.
hahahahahah. so great. i really wish you'd secretly take more pictures at work so that the rest of us can have some mental pictures of what you have to endure. but then again, if you got caught, you might have to endure more ridiculous meetings! don't want that!
ReplyDeleteI have been to many a meeting, and many a seminar in my 30+ years of work, (including two years in a private mental hospital), and I have never had the pleasure on sitting in on something like this! Those people are a riot! I know that they must be educated, but really???? I would feel like I was working in the funny farm.
ReplyDeleteCalgon, take MicheLle away!
I once worked for a non-profit with a few crazies. One day, my team had a to-do list written on a white board, and one crazy decided to add "Stop being p*ssy @ss b#tches" to the list... because she thought she was funny. All I could think was, "Honey, you need to keep your personal notes to yourself, thank you very much."
ReplyDeleteI do the Jim Face AND look into an imaginary camera all the time. If my husband is with me, then HE is the imaginary camera.
Non-profits are crazy!!! I love the Jim face so much. I wish my office had more of these trainings/meetings (even though I know they would be nuts) just to remind me of The Office.
ReplyDeleteHo man. Too funny. I love crazy things happening at work. Actually, this week, I'm 'learning' about communication in school. One of the sentences in my textbook--no lie--was "You must understand yourself before you can seek to understand others."
ReplyDeleteOf course, it was such an awesome statement that I memorized it and I now plan to tell it to everyone in every situation when something needs to be said.
It's moments like this where I kick myself for being in cosmetology school and reading a textbook clearly not written for the college educated, or for that matter, anyone who can read, I'd say.
OMG your job. You can't even make this stuff up.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I always would picture your job as if you were working at somewhere just like Dunder Mifflin. I could picture you being Pam and also making the Jim face simultaneously. Oh gosh. This is ridiculous. Your co-workers are ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteHahaha.
ReplyDeleteI agree.
I think after the series finale ends for The Office, they should just pick up where you work. It sounds just as funny, except real. Which is scary. & I'm sorry.
But thank you for the laughs. : )
They are always appreciated.
much love friend.
-colie
I literally want to rescue you. You work with CRAZY PEOPLE.... come to work with me!!
ReplyDeleteWow. All I can say is at least your office is entertaining.
ReplyDeleteyour stories are always so entertaining. im sorry you have to go through such a terribly work environment but without your office experience you wouldn't have this written gold to share with everyone. so for that, i thank you.
ReplyDeletebless your heart. just bless it so much.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness. That physical cliff stuff is rough.
ReplyDelete